This is what I told my boyfriend when I called him in tears.
I don’t know what it is. I just feel like a child lately…incapable of making my own decisions, incapable of comprehending any consequences that may stem from my choices.
I feel as though I have completely lost my way and somehow found myself on a beaten trail that was forsaken centuries prior to my arrival. I am on an unpaved road. A trail that leads infinitely into an abyss, until I can once again be in confident in who I am.
I question to myself who I am and what I am doing. I’m not good enough is too frequent of a notion for me. Do I just smile because to do anything else would draw disapproval? Do I speak too blatantly and cause my own destruction? Do I even belong?
This word to me is the death of my existence. This word to me haunts every decision in ways one cannot begin to imagine. I don’t fail, and if I do it is to be on my own terms. I’m stubborn, I will admit this. I also over think and as some would say I am a magician.
I have the ability to turn nothingness into horrific nightmares, because I think of every outcome imaginable and I always expect the worst, so…
Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.
I feel as though I’m a horrible daughter, friend, girlfriend, student, human being. I just don’t feel good enough. I try my hardest to do right, to do good, but no matter what I do, I always fall short in my eyes. I can’t do anything without feeling like I could have done a hell of a lot more. Maybe it’s all in my head.
I just need space. I need to breathe and figure out where this road leads, so yes, I’m going through something but I’ll be alright.